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this is what happens when we talkfuck, fuck, fuck-
i love you again.
you are my forbidden fruit,
my original sin.
i cry for you when you walk away,
say i've forgotten you the next day.
a lie, of course,
a lie to myself.
you're up on a pedestal you don't deserve,
a king with a crooked crown.
i could talk to you forever,
but when i talk to you i drown.
how could you be everything
and nothing all the same?
you are not what i need,
you are a lion with a broken leg.
we talk in hushed tones in hallways,
hoping no one walks by
to see you and me.
i am an injured child,
an abused dog,
running back for love
even though you're the one who broke me in the first place.
excerpts from my journalOctober 13th, 2013
i can't breathe.
i'm suffocating in my own body,
in my own skin.
i try to break the surface but
i need someone to talk to.
October 15th, 2013
don't stare at me like i've broken your heart.
don't frown like you're upset with me.
don't look at me like you've ever loved me.
the pain in your eyes doesn't belong to me.
i was always yours but you were never mine.
December 3rd, 2013
Everything about your makes me happy
and that's why i'm so sad.
lonely little lifeall my depression stems from the feelings of being stuck.
stuck in this house,
in this body,
in these relationships,
in this rut.
i could easily change things,
get a driver's license,
get a job,
talk to new people.
it's as simple as just doing it,
and yet it's as hard as just doing it.
i think maybe it's some fucked up,
ass backwards way of rebelling,
fail because people don't expect me to.
if i took all the aforementioned actions,
i would be a grown up,
i would be independent,
and i'm afraid that if i don't rely on people
for the most basic things,
then they'll leave me.
because i feel like
i don't matter to anyone.
that i am an afterthought in everyone's mind.
i feel alone.
get addicted to thisi can't remember a time in my life when i didn't feel lonely,
when i didn't feel like i was alone in the world.
even in the biggest crowd,
even with my closest friends,
i am just me.
and it hurts to think about,
when i think about it.
so i don't.
but sometimes it creeps up on me,
and then i feel suffocated
in my own skin.
i don't know how
Nightly Routineit's one of those nights,
the nights were i can't sleep,
but i can't stand to be awake.
i think through all of our conversations,
all of them,
even the bullshit ones.
i try to distinguish which ones
actually mattered to you.
i don't think i can find one,
so i just give up.
i start to think of how bad i want you.
i want you to touch my body
the way you touched my heart,
and i want you to cling to me
the way my mind clings to you,
and i want to see you
the way i see your soul,
and i want to be as happy
as you make me feel,
and never again as sad,
and i want you to love me
the way i love you,
and i'm sorry that you're sorry,
and you're sorry that i'm me.
This Isn't Fun Anymore.What gives you the right to hurt me in such a nice way?
To not talk to me for months after I told you I love you
and then come back and pretend to be anything more than
a stranger in my life?
To laugh at my jokes and to push the hair out of my eyes
and to make sure I'm standing in the shade
so that I won't get too warm?
These little signs of affection burn my skin because
I know that they will be followed by little
signs of rejection.
My feelings for you are a perfect mixture of
"we are meant to be" and "you make me want to die".
I don't know how to have a happy medium with you.
And I really don't know if I want to.
Vice VersaI'd make you promises I can't keep
and promises I wouldn't keep,
even if I could.
I'd tell you that you are the most beautiful thing
I've seen in quite some time,
only to be caught in the lie.
I'd write poetry
about how much I need you
but I want you to stop needing me
I'd break your heart
every goddamn day
but swear that I love you so.
I'd love you
as much as I hate myself,
and vice versa.
Tears would stream down your face
and I'd need a life raft to get away.
October will always haunt me.Inside I'm a kind of monster that no one has ever seen
and I know exactly how this happened to me.
It has something to do with the way you didn't say goodbye.
The way you didn't say yes when I asked if you mightmaybepossibly love me.
Though, you didn't really say no, either.
Left me wondering and worrying about whether I had ruined us
like I had feared I would.
In all actuality, I think you ruined me.
Because without the thoughts of you invading my mind,
I'm just kind of a shell of a person.
No substance, nothing interesting.
Without you I'm just kind of here.
Like a speck of dust on the window sill.
Do you think of me still?
Best Friends, Ex-Friends 'Till the EndI hope the memory of me is a bright star in your dark mind.
I hope giving up on me is what you needed to become happy finally (although I had hoped that I made you happy).
Our six year smiles are now full fledged frowns.
If you never wanted me around you should have just told me so that we wouldn't have had to waste all of this time.
I tried to convince myself that the bridge you burned wasn't arson, that you simply slipped and dropped a match in a gas puddle.
I made myself hate you so that maybe it would hurt less.
And it does (until someone mentions your name).
Now you're just some strange stranger. A ghost of the past [,] I can hardly remember.
I hope you know that I love(d) you.
And I hope you love(d) me too.
But if you're done with me,
Then I have to be done with you.
I'll say it because I know you never will:
What is on the other side?When you're staring at your reflection, what do you see? It is obvious to most people that you see an
exact image of yourself, but how do you depict that lingering 'image' that surrounds you?
What exactly do you 'see' when you look into a mirror? Light is everywhere and no person can escape
it. The same can be said about a person's feelings no matter how hard they try to cast a shallow mask
behind their true emotions.
Just how fragile are we? There are some who have more willpower than others, but lack in other
departments that help to build us up. What is it that makes you a strong or weak person?
What are you gazing at? Do you perhaps see a strong individual on that other side of the light? Is
there something dark and mysterious about that 'impostor' that you just can't figure out yet? Where
are you? Who are you?
What is on the other side?
do it.Suffering isn't always pain.
Sometimes its having to itch your finger,
when you wanna strike a match,
and watch it all just fucking burn.
masochist.It's not the simple pain that I enjoy,
it's simply the pain of loving you,
which gives me my sick thrill.
A VentThere are times when I start to doubt myself. There are times where I start the think that my life is not that great and I begin to wonder why I'm still alive. Questions come into my head like, "Why am I even trying?" and "Where is my life going?" tend to prop up a lot, more than I'd like.
When I look at my life, I wonder how I became so broken. What had happened? When did it happen? How am I even still here? I couldn't answer any of those questions and probably never will.
I remember growing up, but never having any permanent friends. Those that came close always left me and I wondered why. Sometimes I would begin to think that there is probably something wrong with me and that everyone had found out, so they had begun to avoid me.
I felt left out and alone. I wasn't included in any social groups or invited to any parties. Oftentimes, I was always picked last for kickball and the kids on my team would often make it as if I we
My Best Friend"A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else. "
The world is grey when I want to cry. It blurs and shifts as my eyes fill with tears. As the water builds up, it finally starts to flow down, down, down, hot waves on the searing sand of a beach. Lights flicker and distort as I wipe my tears away and try to think its alright. But it's not. Until you appear. You, a bright shining rainbow that spreads light and colour to every inch of my world. You might not know it, but you're the one that keeps me going. You're the one that is always there for me, even when I want to be alone. I love you for that. Thank you for sticking by me. I treasure the memories that we have made, and look forward to the future.
Ataque de estres/ansiedad Empiezo a sentir mareos, así que me voy tropezando por los pasillos buscando un cuarto vacío. Finalmente encuentro uno. Entró y cierro la puerta con llave para que nadie pueda entrar.
Mire la hora en mi celular. 2:34 am. Creo que fue una mala idea ir por una caminata, a estas horas nadie esta despierto.
Mi corazón se esta acelerando y mis manos tiemblan. Me siento en el piso y sostengo mi cabeza con las manos, tratando de relajarme. Mi respiración es anormal, y estoy sudando.
Ahora no es el momento.
Puedo sentir el hormigueo por todo mi cuerpo aumentar.
No, para, por favor.
Puedo escuchar mi corazón latir. Todo parece estar mas alto y mas callado al mismo tiempo.
Mi visión se pone borrosa, apareciendo y desapareciendo. Mire mis manos, las cuales están temblando incontrolablemente. Me siento aturdida.
Esto me ha pasado antes, bastantes veces en realidad. Cuando me siento sola o como una carga esto pasa. Es por eso que odio enfermarme,
believe me?i'm not like most girls.
when i look in the mirror, i see hints of pretty, maybe even beautiful, features hiding behind glasses, under low confidence, waiting to be found by a boy who is smart enough to forget about the social norms that i will never, and don't really want to, attain.
'weird', 'unusual', 'unique', are all positive words in my social circle. in my utopia.
i want to hold a boys hand and never, ever have to let go.
i want him to run his fingers though my thick, brown hair and push the too-long bangs away from my eyes and say "i love you more than you have ever loved Fall Out Boy" and i want to giggle at the thought that someone who dares to love me that much .
title: do you believe me when i say i love who i am? nope, didn't think so.
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scheinbar is a much-loved and well-known deviant. Just one look at her gallery, filled with enchanting photography, will have you mesmerized. A deviant for over 7 years, Christiane can always be found posting inspirational features as well as regularly commenting on other deviations and encouraging and empowering her fellow deviants. We are inspired and insist that you too stop by and congratulate ... Read More